When providing elderly care at home
to aging loved ones, most caregivers are reluctant to admit that they feel resentment. Whether they resent the disease, the healthcare system, having to give up other things to provide elderly care at home, the lack of support from other family members or even the person they are caring for, resentment can surface. If resentment is there, it is important to acknowledge it and deal with it in order to improve the situation for everyone involved.
Unacknowledged resentment can take a heavy toll. Therefore, the most important step to take in coping with resentment is to acknowledge that you feel resentful. Resentment may manifest itself in many ways: guilt, helplessness, anger, anxiety, depression, health problems, headaches, blaming others or simply feeling overwhelmed by life.
Identifying that you are resentful is an important first step. After that, additional steps can help you cope with the feelings of resentment.
1) Determine what the senior actually needs and meet those needs. The senior may have desires, whims and demands that are not actually needs. Focus on fulfilling the needs of the senior and worry less about their desires.
2) Don’t try to make everyone happy. First of all, you can’t. Second of all, you may hurt yourself and everyone else, trying.
3) Accept that there are many things beyond your control. You cannot make your loved one well. Physical and mental health changes are a part of life. Denying the situation or trying to change something that is beyond your control will only lead to greater frustration and resentment. You cannot make them better, but you can provide care and comfort to improve their quality of life.
4) Learn about the health conditions of the senior. Although you are not a doctor, the more you understand the condition, the better care you can provide. In addition, it will help you form realistic expectations of improvements and progress that can be made.
5) Don’t take behaviors personally. Whether it is the senior acting out or family members that don’t help, taking the behavior personally is not going to help. The senior’s behavior could be due to their health condition, or could be a lifelong personality characteristic that has nothing to do with you. Other family members may have complicated relationships with the senior whose history you do not know, or their condition may be triggering flashbacks to times spent with other relatives who have since passed away.
6) Think positive. When in the midst of resentment it may be hard to be positive, but by repeating positive thoughts and actions often enough, you can create a new habit of positive thinking. As your thinking changes, your feelings will change.
7) Show empathy. Spend some time thinking about how you would feel in their situation. At the same time do not dwell too heavily on the drama of living with the condition as if you are that person.
8) Detach. Mentally step away from the situation and try to look at is as an outside observer might. A new perspective might help you see if you or others are being unreasonable. If necessary, walking away for a couple of moments (if doing so will not jeopardize the safety of the person you are caring for) can also help diffuse resentment and provide perspective.
9) Take a deep breath. In the moments you are feeling most resentful, take some slow, deep breaths.
10) Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, and keep your own doctor’s appointments. If necessary, find a support group or counselor to accompany you through the difficult times.
11) Set limits. One of the most important ways to make sure you take care of yourself is to set limits on what you can and cannot do. Do not feel like you have to be the one to do it all, and avoid feeling guilty for not being able to do it all. Humans have limits, and it is important to acknowledge that and take appropriate actions to make sure to keep within your limits. Ask yourself what the worst consequence of you not doing a particular thing might be, and if the result is not life threatening, maybe it does not have to be done.
12) Set balanced expectations. Do you expect too much from yourself or others? Are your own needs for a life outside of caregiving being meet? How can you balance your needs and your responsibilities for the best possible outcome for everyone?
13) Find support. No one should have to be a caregiver on their own in isolation. Friends, support groups and counselors can provide an outlet and support system, and talking through feelings and resentments can be extremely helpful in letting go of unhealthy emotions.
14) Ask for help. Whether its family, friends, neighbors, community organizations or professional providers of elderly care at home, if you are becoming resentful, now is the time to ask for help. There are many resources available.
Given the stresses of providing elderly care at home to aging loved ones, it is not surprising that resentment is a common manifestation of that stress. The important thing is to acknowledge it and deal with it appropriately so it doesn’t jeopardize your loved one’s care or your long term health, wellness and happiness.
